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Nathaniel Duvall

[ website | My Music Yo ]
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Dreams [Jan. 10th, 2012|02:23 pm]
Nathaniel Duvall
[Mood |cynicalcynical]

The passed few years I have been having recurring dreams. Basically every night I dream of the end of the world. Zombie apocalypse, world falling apart, demons, alien ships destroying us from the sky, you name it I've dreamt it. No matter the scenario there are constants. Usually I am at my old house. I'm usually trying to save people, I usually fail. Sometimes I end up running around my old neighborhood trying to find friends and family. Sometimes I fight to the end. Sometimes I give up. Usually when I give up I go out to the back yard and climb the play structure we had back there. I climb to the top, lay on my back and watch the ships battle or the meteorites fall to earth from space. I guess that speaks wonders to how lonely and lost I feel in waking life. It's finally 2012 I can't help thinking that I might be seeing visions of things to come. I guess we will see. And you of course haunt my dreams too. I feel so unmotivated lately like in the back of my mind I'm not going to be around much longer. I guess time will tell.
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Black. [Nov. 5th, 2011|10:01 pm]
Nathaniel Duvall
Black. It is the color of death. The color of darkness. The color of despair. Of fear. Of lies. Of the abyss. Black is the color of my soul. Black haunts me. Black taunts me. Black is everywhere I turn. Blackened lungs. Blackened heart. Black is the color of burnt. Black is the color of bile. Black tongue. Black eyes. Black death.
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Random. [Oct. 8th, 2011|01:38 am]
Nathaniel Duvall
[Current Location |United States, Oregon, Portland]

That's life. Random. We bounce around like loose hydrogen atoms just waiting to slam into a stray oxygen or carbon atom and hopefully create some sort of a permanent bond to manifest something from the new parts that might better the world around us. Or at the very least just make us feel like we are more than we are all alone. But really that is all we are aren't we? Alone, that is. And will that ever truly change? Even bonded molecules eventually break apart and become something new or fade away into the mass of chaos that we call existence. Back into the ether. Existence... ha. Is that what this is? Strange how even something as complicated as we are, water, blood, skin, organs all strewn together by tiny invisible bonds running on junk food and invisible air, are really so simple. All we want is attention. We, all of us. Friends. Family. Friends that become family. Pets. All of the tiny little relationships we build and throw away like so much refuse. That is all it is. Social status, false love. Chemical reactions that convince us the lies we create and believe are the real thing. We work and sweat and bleed to please those we "care" for. To buy more and more meaningless things we can't take with us. And when all those molecules that came together to make us decide to break down and fall apart and return to the soil from which they came, all of the things we accumulated become pointless. The years of work moot. The comrades and lovers just dust in the wind. So what are we? Is there a lesson to be learned from existing? Will I be coming back in a better social standing, or as a eagle free to fly about the earth, as a maggot or a blade of grass depending on what I do in this life? Am I a young soul? An old one? Is that why I am just so tired of it all? The revolving door that is life. Trapped in a Bill Murray movie. The same day over and over again with a new label put on it to make it appear different. Is a Monday really different from a Friday? Or is the perception the name implies truly the only difference? Is the truth that this is the one chance we get? And based on the sins and good deeds we accumulate we either have a mansion in the clouds with an all knowing all loving God in Heaven, or a dark fiery pit in the depths of Hell? Will Satan be supervising my eternal torture? Flaying the skin from the bone just for it to grow back by the same time tomorrow to start again? If that's the case, what is the point? Religion, I don't even want to get myself started. I'll just say this. Geoffrey Dahmer was baptized and forgiven of his sins while in prison, if Heaven is real, he is there waiting for us. Yeah... that makes sense right? I'll take the pitchfork please. Anyways, Groundhog's day. That's life. Wash, rinse, repeat. I'm down for some fucking socialism already. Republican, Democrat, Puppet. Bert versus Ernie muckraking all over my television screens every 4 years. And nothing ever gets better anymore. Get ready for the Greater Depression. Depression, there's something you hear of at least once a day. Either you have it, someone you love has it, or at the very least you see a new commercial for a way to corral it on your TV's. Think that's just natural? A part of life? FUCK NO! If we were living life to our full potential no one would have to swallow a handful of chemicals to keep themselves from eating a bullet for breakfast or hanging themselves in the shower. But here we are, in a supposed age of enlightenment with the highest murder rates in the history of our species. Suicide, rape, pedophiles all running rampant in all parts of the world. Is there such a thing as Good and Evil? Do we all have the potential to torture ourselves and others? To commit heinous acts in the name of what? Boredom? Gods? "Progress?" Sometimes I want to close my eyes and wish they'd never open again, and that is not natural. But I can't help it. We are truly alone. At least we are in the way that we all carry on in modern society. There are ways to truly connect, but I will be damned if I ever see much of that going around. It's all about control, and what can you do for me? Quid pro quo, tit for tat, eye for an eye tooth for a tooth. Madness. Sadness. Death and despair. Save the whales. Protect the earth. Make a profit. Burn the fossil fuels. Eating good in the neighborhood. Shop at Wal-Mart. Sweat Shops. Country clubs. Protests. Left, right. How can all of the ideals we stand for as a race, not white black yellow and brown, as the human race how can we survive with such conflicting ideals. Will some eventual new society on earth dig into the ground and find remnants of us and laugh at our ignorance and conflict? Someday will we be the oil that powers a whole new batch of SUV's? We all keep fighting, keep moving and I think most of us don't even know why? Do you know, can you tell me what is the meaning of life? We come in to the world alone, and we leave this world alone a wrinkled little pile of atoms slowly falling apart. The light inside of us all quietly fading into the eternal night. And there is nothing we can do about that. There is no immortality to be had. I am sick and I am tired. And I am sick of being tired. I want to fall and for someone to catch me.
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Work... [Oct. 6th, 2011|02:52 am]
Nathaniel Duvall
[Current Location |Portland/Gresham Border]
[Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Music |Family Guy]

You know it's odd but even now 7 years after I started working there and 5 years since I worked there I still miss my old job. I was happy there and never would have quit but they forced me to leave or they would have fired me. I wonder if they'd even so much as give me a reference nowadays, let alone ever let me come back. I am sure they saw my unemployment request come down the line. I still miss the stupid place. It was home. That's how my ex got her job back, she quit too, but I guess she is more valuable than I ever was. Which makes no sense, they promoted me to manager within a year of being there. I thought I was gonna be a lifer. And I was ok with that. I haven't been happy since, and I guess that is my fault too, but it really dragged me down, I am just now getting my head back together and wanting to look for something new. But no restaurants. I would rather break my body working in a factory or manual labor. My last job after that was hell and I hated it and I have to say I was relieved when I got fired and they went bankrupt. Hopefully this next chapter in my life will be good. I don't know if I could take another round in a hell hole. Wish me luck.
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Happy Thanksgiving? [Nov. 25th, 2010|03:46 pm]
Nathaniel Duvall
[Current Location |United States, Oregon, Portland]
[Mood |happyhappy]
[Music |E-40 Go Girl]

So yeah, I never use this site anymore. Go figure that when I have the most drama and things happening all the time I never write it down, but when I was always bored I would post twice daily, ha ha. Oh well. But yeah, I have a new home, in a new part of town. So far so good. Have two roommates, which is new for me. I like it though. I'm doing under the table work, so fuck taxes. Gotta love that. I am strongly considering going to Cali for a while if not permanently. I also am going to be doing music once again, I have been on hiatus for far too long. Anyways, I am just writing this for me to remember when I started feeling happy again. So, screw everyone else I am gonna do me from here on out. I have a feeling I will love it. A return to the old me, the cool me, the fun me. Peace out bitches.
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Funny How Life Works... [Jan. 23rd, 2010|01:33 pm]
Nathaniel Duvall
[Current Location |United States, Oregon, Happy Valley]
[Mood |okayokay]

So I have been working like, non-stop for 6 years or so. And now I find myself unemployed. I guess I get to test my theory that most people without jobs just aren't trying hard enough, or are passing up jobs, even ones that pay good, just because it isn't the job they want. Who knows I could be wrong. Anyways, I also find it amusing that I haven't really used livejournal much since I started to work either. And now that I'm not, here I am.

Life has been a fight the passed few months, can't say I like it that way. Cristi and I went through a rough patch. Hope that's behind us. I know now how she must have been so worried when she was unemployed. I am doing the same thing she did and selling all my stuff. I sold a handful of Transformers to a toy store, today potentially someone is coming by to buy the rest. That's something I never thought I would sell. But I honestly don't mind, they just sit in boxes. So goodbye childhood, hello adult struggle. Or whatever. Ha. Ok well I don't know what else to say. I guess it's just therapeutic to write.

Ok then. Bye.
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Well hello Livejournal... [Jan. 28th, 2008|11:50 pm]
Nathaniel Duvall
I have no idea if anyone is ever going to read this, but if anyone happens to, hi. How are ya?

I am doing alright. A lot has changed.

I am a manager at my job. I live with a co-worker. I have a brand new car. I noticed a lot of my old entries were complaining about money. I have plenty of it now, but I still complain. It's funny how no matter what amount of money I have I find a way to spend it faster than I can get my hands on it again. Oh well, at least I am happy sometimes.

That's the other thing I noticed. I was usually depressed. How stupid. I get that way sometimes, but it's for actual reasons these days. Not just cause I felt like I needed attention or I was extremely bored and lonely.

Well, that's a small update. That's about all for now.
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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2005|04:30 pm]
Nathaniel Duvall
[Mood |workingAmish]
[Music |The Nightwalkers - Music]


Booyah Grandma.
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(no subject) [Jul. 30th, 2005|02:55 am]
Nathaniel Duvall
Ok so I have decided I will no longer post when I think I am getting a job, because employers find a way to fuck me.

Life has been hectic and stupid lately. I am lonely and bored.

I hate worrying. Why do I worry? It is ridiculous.

Well hopefully life will work itself out. Which I am sure it will, and I will learn some awesome lesson from it. Hopefully.

I miss a lot of people. One in particular. Whom I seem to blow off, and I am sorry for that.
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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2005|02:10 pm]
Nathaniel Duvall
Graduation from diversion, next thursday. 5 o'clock. Freedom at last.

Job, finally. Debt to be erased in months. Freedom.

I am going to move out of shitty Battleground. Finally. Freedom.

Looking up indeed. I am happy.
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