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Nathaniel Duvall

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Random. [Oct. 8th, 2011|01:38 am]
Nathaniel Duvall
[Current Location |United States, Oregon, Portland]

That's life. Random. We bounce around like loose hydrogen atoms just waiting to slam into a stray oxygen or carbon atom and hopefully create some sort of a permanent bond to manifest something from the new parts that might better the world around us. Or at the very least just make us feel like we are more than we are all alone. But really that is all we are aren't we? Alone, that is. And will that ever truly change? Even bonded molecules eventually break apart and become something new or fade away into the mass of chaos that we call existence. Back into the ether. Existence... ha. Is that what this is? Strange how even something as complicated as we are, water, blood, skin, organs all strewn together by tiny invisible bonds running on junk food and invisible air, are really so simple. All we want is attention. We, all of us. Friends. Family. Friends that become family. Pets. All of the tiny little relationships we build and throw away like so much refuse. That is all it is. Social status, false love. Chemical reactions that convince us the lies we create and believe are the real thing. We work and sweat and bleed to please those we "care" for. To buy more and more meaningless things we can't take with us. And when all those molecules that came together to make us decide to break down and fall apart and return to the soil from which they came, all of the things we accumulated become pointless. The years of work moot. The comrades and lovers just dust in the wind. So what are we? Is there a lesson to be learned from existing? Will I be coming back in a better social standing, or as a eagle free to fly about the earth, as a maggot or a blade of grass depending on what I do in this life? Am I a young soul? An old one? Is that why I am just so tired of it all? The revolving door that is life. Trapped in a Bill Murray movie. The same day over and over again with a new label put on it to make it appear different. Is a Monday really different from a Friday? Or is the perception the name implies truly the only difference? Is the truth that this is the one chance we get? And based on the sins and good deeds we accumulate we either have a mansion in the clouds with an all knowing all loving God in Heaven, or a dark fiery pit in the depths of Hell? Will Satan be supervising my eternal torture? Flaying the skin from the bone just for it to grow back by the same time tomorrow to start again? If that's the case, what is the point? Religion, I don't even want to get myself started. I'll just say this. Geoffrey Dahmer was baptized and forgiven of his sins while in prison, if Heaven is real, he is there waiting for us. Yeah... that makes sense right? I'll take the pitchfork please. Anyways, Groundhog's day. That's life. Wash, rinse, repeat. I'm down for some fucking socialism already. Republican, Democrat, Puppet. Bert versus Ernie muckraking all over my television screens every 4 years. And nothing ever gets better anymore. Get ready for the Greater Depression. Depression, there's something you hear of at least once a day. Either you have it, someone you love has it, or at the very least you see a new commercial for a way to corral it on your TV's. Think that's just natural? A part of life? FUCK NO! If we were living life to our full potential no one would have to swallow a handful of chemicals to keep themselves from eating a bullet for breakfast or hanging themselves in the shower. But here we are, in a supposed age of enlightenment with the highest murder rates in the history of our species. Suicide, rape, pedophiles all running rampant in all parts of the world. Is there such a thing as Good and Evil? Do we all have the potential to torture ourselves and others? To commit heinous acts in the name of what? Boredom? Gods? "Progress?" Sometimes I want to close my eyes and wish they'd never open again, and that is not natural. But I can't help it. We are truly alone. At least we are in the way that we all carry on in modern society. There are ways to truly connect, but I will be damned if I ever see much of that going around. It's all about control, and what can you do for me? Quid pro quo, tit for tat, eye for an eye tooth for a tooth. Madness. Sadness. Death and despair. Save the whales. Protect the earth. Make a profit. Burn the fossil fuels. Eating good in the neighborhood. Shop at Wal-Mart. Sweat Shops. Country clubs. Protests. Left, right. How can all of the ideals we stand for as a race, not white black yellow and brown, as the human race how can we survive with such conflicting ideals. Will some eventual new society on earth dig into the ground and find remnants of us and laugh at our ignorance and conflict? Someday will we be the oil that powers a whole new batch of SUV's? We all keep fighting, keep moving and I think most of us don't even know why? Do you know, can you tell me what is the meaning of life? We come in to the world alone, and we leave this world alone a wrinkled little pile of atoms slowly falling apart. The light inside of us all quietly fading into the eternal night. And there is nothing we can do about that. There is no immortality to be had. I am sick and I am tired. And I am sick of being tired. I want to fall and for someone to catch me.